My name is Mark. I am 63. I now live in County Durham, UK.

My life was ruined by antidepressants.

My story starts a long time ago in 1988 when I had a severe bout of glandular fever. My fiancé and I lived in Edinburgh. We had long term plans.

I was very ill with Glandular Fever and it took many months to recover. That autumn I started a vocational post-graduate course at Edinburgh University. During that time my health wasn’t brilliant and I started getting aches and pains, especially in my neck and back.

I had a major piece of research published by a national organisation. You could say I was a high flyer.
After graduating, I had excellent references and went into social work managing all social work in three centres. I dealt with families who were the victims of abuse. This was usually very serious abuse.
My health was deteriorating due to extreme pain in my neck and back. It was often agonising.
We bought an apartment in a mansion house(A Scottish term) by the sea in a beautiful town called North Berwick. It was an astounding location. We called it our “dream house.”

Unfortunately the pain became too much for me and I had to go and see a doctor. I registered with a local surgery in North Berwick.

My ten-minute consultation changed my life forever. It changed everyone who was close to me forever.
The doctor examined me and to my astonishment said I was suffering from depression. I was astounded as I didn’t feel remotely depressed and told him so. He said I had a very stressful job and that caused my depression. My reply was that I love my work, I have no money problems, a lovely fiancé and my own house in a beautiful location. I said “what could I possibly be depressed about?”

I absolutely knew I wasn’t suffering from depression. I told my problems were physical and not in my mind.

He said he had a medication that would take away all my aches and pains and solve all my problems. This medication was an antidepressant called Amitriptyline. I knew from my trained and education that I didn’t need such a drug but the doctor was insistent and I was in so much pain.

Under his pressure and dogged insistence I gave in, even though I knew he was wrong.
Well, you trust doctors don’t you.

And that is when my descent into hell started and continued for the next 16 years.

The Amitriptyline made me unwell. I become anxious, lethargic, couldn’t sleep, irritable, scared etc.
We went on Holiday to Portugal. At Faro airport on the way home I had my first ever anxiety attack. I thought my world was coming to an end.

Back home my doctor then prescribed Diazepam in addition to the anti-depressant.
The medications made me worse, So the doctor changed my medication to Flupentixol, a week later he changed it again to Doxepin.

I was living in an absolute nightmare. I had to stop working . I was always terrified and felt like death.
I vividly remember telling my doctor that I thought I had ME/ Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and that the glandular fever was the catalyst for this. I told him that I didn’t think I had ever been depressed or mentally ill. He replied that there’s no such thing as ME. It doesn’t exist he said and that I should not question his judgement

I developed agoraphobia and struggled to go out. When I did go out I was terrified and used to hang on to walls to drag myself along the path. My hands were covered in scratches where I grazed them as I gripped the walls in absolute terror

I was then referred to a psychiatrist He told me to take the Diazepam whenever I needed them. I knew this advice was against the laid down prescribing rules but as I was already addicted then I had no choice. The more I took then the more I needed. So the more I took.

The psychiatrist then changed my anti-depressants to an MAOI inhibitor called Phenelzine.
Things continued to get worse. The psychiatrist added another psychiatric drug into my regime. I can’t remember what it was.

I then started to have thoughts about self-harm and suicide. There had previously an anathema to me I was absolutely terrified of death. Late one night I slashed my wrists as I couldn’t take any more of the mental torture.

This led to being hospitalised in a local psychiatric unit. Another nightmare started, especially when the suddenly stopped all my diazepam. The withdrawals were unbelievable. The pain and cravings were unbearable. I told them it was withdrawals and they could kill me after being addicted to a very high dose of benzodiazepines for over 8 months. They refused to accept that said I was faking the pain and withdrawals just to get back on the diazepam.

After around five days of this hell I could take no more. I got medication off the drug trolley and went to the bathroom where I hacked myself to pieces with a razor and took an overdose.
I was taken to Edinburgh where they could treat me.

When I got back to the psychiatric unit the discharged me. It was three months of living hell and total incompetence from the doctors and nurses.

To cut a long story short, my fiancé couldn’t take any more and left in 1993. I never saw her again. In her leaving note she said that she loved me so much but didn’t know how to fix me. She said that she didn’t want to see me die.

The house was repossessed by the bank the following year and I was medically retired from my job.
I went back to live with my parents in Sheffield.

I was in and out of hospital. I was drugged up on a cocktail of drugs and I was constantly self-harming.
I was given depot injections, mood stabilisers, antidepressants, etc.

My weight ballooned as I couldn’t stop eating due to the lithium.

I developed binge eating disorder and went up to 35 stones in weight. I then decided to lose weight and developed anorexia and lost 28 stones.

Throughout this time I was on a cocktail of Amitriptyline, Carbamazepine, Chlorpromazine, depixol depot, dihydrocodeine.

My anorexia was so severe that was twice admitted for 8 months to a specialist eating disorder in-patient unit. The nurses called me “the walking miracle” as they didn’t know how I had survived.
By October 2006 I had lost 28 stones my BMI was around 10 and I was ready to die.

One night I gave my deathbed speech to my mother I lay on the sofa.

I wanted to leave to world clean and free from guilt.

For the first time ever I told what it had all been about after my beloved fiancé had left me.
I said that the guilt of accepted those anti-depressants in 1990 had crucified me. I said that I had ruined her life. Which I did. I said I knew that I was never depressed and needed medication.

I told mum that I deserved to die for what I had done.

Mum knew I had suffered enough and was prepared to let me go.

I have never felt so much physical pain or absolute terror as I did that night. I begged for mum not to forget me and to forgive me.

I passed out and it went dark

Somehow, I woke up in the morning and it was like a fog had lifted.

I spent the next three months deciding what to do. I stopped taking all psychiatric medication,
In February 2007 I finally decided it was time to start again. I had no support from the NHS. I didn’t want any as they had destroyed my life.

I refed myself. I hadn’t left the house for two years. I had to learn to walk again.

After six months my recovery had plateaued so I paid to see a private doctor. He was ex NHS consultant and ran his own private sports injuries clinic. He was a chiropractor amd he changed my life. He was the first doctor to give me hope and treat me with respect.

Three years later after a lot of hard work I was hiking 20 miles a day in Europe and the UK.
In 2010 I opened my own counselling clinic. I had my counselling credentials and plenty of experience.
Because of my training, background and experience I attracted a lot of victims of serious abuse. It was heavy duty work.

I retired in 2018 as I was burnt out.

I have my own house in a beautiful location and live quietly by myself.
I haven’t taken any psychiatric drugs for almost 20 years.
I was diagnosed me ME/CFS where the consultant said he thought I was never mentally ill when I was first given anti-depressants in 1990.

This is a list of psychiatric drugs I have been prescribed by doctors, many were combined and given as cocktails.

They ruined so many lives.

Amitriptyline, Doxepin, Imipramine, Nortriptyline, Sertraline, Paroxetine, Fluvoxamine, Prozac, Chlorpromazine, Haloperidol, Olanzapine, Flupentixol, Droperidol, depixol depot, Lithium, Carbamazepine, Olanzapine, Diazepam, Lorazepam, Temazepam

I have spent around 4 years inside various psychiatric units. I have seen the “white light” when I was on a life support machine after a massive Amitriptyline. I have been sectioned twice. I have given my deathbed speech. My arms are covered in scars from self. I have tried to kill myself numerous times.
But these things are in the past.

What I have been through made me a better person. They made me a better counsellor and more able to help others in need.
Recovery is possible. You can’t get back what you lost. Life doesn’t always turn out as expected but try to be thankful for what you have rather than think about what you don’t have.

To my ex-fiancé all I can say is I am sorry. I should have trusted my judgement. Please forgive me.
I know that I was never depressed or mentally ill.

I have found a level of peace that I never thought possible after what I went through.

It took me 20 years to get back.

Everything that happened stemmed from those ten minutes in 1990 with my Doctor.